Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

I launched into the world of online dating during quarantine, so it’s been about a million-years now. A combination of factors made me buff up my old Tinder profile, like my desperate desire to take my mind off the pandemic, a need to feel like there is still a future to look forward to, and mainly, plane old lack of stimulation.

Sure enough, I matched with a handful of men, and was disappointed when conversation petered out rather quickly… but when I matched with Garett, it was different.

According to his profile, Garett was looking for “friendship, fun and good conversation.” I mean, “friendship,” eh, I guess; “fun,” yeah, I needed to have some fun; and what can anyone ask for in times of quarantine if not “good conversation.”

I would be lying, though, if I didn’t say I found the word “polyamorous” most intriguing.

He sent me a message asking about a hot spring I was pictured at and I returned the message by asking about polyamory; whether he was currently in a relationship and if it was okay to ask him more about polyamory and his relationship, to which he responded:

“…It’s okay to ask me anything really. Easier to be open about everything upfront.”

Ummm…… Hi, have you met me? That’s basically the equivalent of someone telling me they think I’m a beautiful goddess and want to spoil me with love and riches until the end of time.

Anyway, turns out that Garett did indeed have a girlfriend who he was quarantined with.

I can’t say I wasn’t a little jealous, but that’s really just scratching the surface of the emotions that ran through me. After all, considering my own jealousy compelled me to consider the jealousy of Garett’s girlfriend. Would she be jealous that he was texting me? Maybe she was used to it by now, but I knew I would be livid if my boyfriend who I was quarantined with was spending time messaging with another girl. Right!?!? 

Still, it kept my own jealousy at bay, and my limited understanding of the poly world made me feel like I was involved in a consensual scandal. It was hard to imagine that he had a girlfriend within arms reach and still had the desire to message me. I felt like I was an ethical mistress, and to be blunt, it kind of turned me on.

I have always been curious about open and poly relationships. I have a tendency to advocate for them as an alternative to monogamy, which I worry about being a viable option for me in the future.

In the past, though, seeking an alternative to monogamy came from a place of fear… fear that a partner would eventually lose interest in me… fear that temptation would drive my partner into someone else’s arms… fear that my sex drive would eventually plateau and my partner would betray me.

It never came from imagining my own desire to be with someone else. It never came from a genuine desire to be in a polyamorous relationship, but rather an attempt to avoid a yet another shitty monogamous relationship, which I see so many of fall apart.

None of it seemed to matter here in the digital realm. I was attracted to and intrigued by Garett, and he appreciated my bold compliments and was happy to talk more about everything. I tried not to bombard him with my questions off the bat, but I wanted to get a sense of what worked for him about this type of relationship, so I could get to know him better.

“Poly to me is more about independence. I don’t own you so you go be you. As long as you’re always open, honest and respectful then that’s a healthy relationship. Communication is the most important part.”

It’s like he was reading my mind! I’ve said these exact words “open, honest communication” about 1000000 times when discussing healthy relationships.

Yes, it did indeed sound good, but then again it wasn’t my boyfriend I had to deal with talking to another girl. If that were the case, wouldn’t the jealousy be overwhelming?

“Jealousy is a normal human emotion and it’s fine and it’s still there even in poly sometimes. But it needs to stay positive and it’s important not to neglect a relationship.”

That pretty much concluded my first interrogation (I wanted to keep it short, lest it become more informational than flirtatious.)

I continued to be drawn to him as a person, and it was easy to keep my cool about it. Knowing that he had his own life and needed to make time for someone else encouraged me to want to do the same.

I continued to swipe on Tinder, and stay focused on other things, and not let my new crush become all consuming (as I’ve been known to do.)

The next time we talked about poly, it was in a response to a question I was answering on Quora. I was interested in hearing his perspective, as the question dealt with trust, privacy and jealousy.

The question was:

Would asking to see what’s on you’re partner’s phone show more distrust in the relationship than if you refused to allow your partner access to your phone?

See my answer HERE.

The phone thing is extremely triggering for me, and I’m sure many other people who’ve had proven reasons to view the phone as a betrayal mechanism… a temptation device that rests comfortably near your partner’s groin…

Of course, poly guy wasn’t as triggered as I was by the possibilities of what devious secrets a phone might hold.

“I think the notion of asking shows distrust. Even in an open relationship, there still needs to be the notion of trust. Asking to see a phone will always imply lack of trust. Not wanting to show a phone could just be enforcement of privacy.”

Fuck. He had me on that one. I dug a little deeper about why the phone was a necessary place to establish privacy for oneself. 

“All of your personal conversations are there with friends, family and otherwise. It’s a record of who I talk to and about what. Not everything can be taken in context and could be misunderstood by someone reading it.”

I tried to fight the urge to argue because, how many times have I felt betrayed by what I’ve found on my partner’s phone? It almost didn’t seem fair that someone should get that amount of privacy when there was so much garbage they could so easily hide.

He was right, though. If you’re looking for a betrayal on a phone, you’ll almost always find one depending on what constitutes a betrayal to you. The fact is that these days, our phones often substitute face-to-face conversations with other people. Does that make the conversations less deserving of privacy, or change what you’re allowed to share?

For example, I might vent about my boyfriend over lunch with a friend… no harm, no foul. But if we don’t have the luxury of getting together, am I stripped of my right to bitch privately to my friend when I’m in need?

Garett and I continued our chat. We scratched the surface of our parents relationships- I could tell how effected each of us were.

“Monogamy is hard.” Garett declared.

“Is polyamory easy?” I asked.

“No, but it’s easier to be open and honest about your needs…” (THERE it is.) “No repressing sexual, emotional or romantic needs and wants.”

It’s been my thought for a long time that if people had a deeper understanding of their own sexuality then it might be easier for them to communicate difficult needs to their partner, and for their partner to hear those needs (and not take them personally.)

Where you go from there is up to those in the relationship, but it is unfortunate that with monogamy in particular, the idea of having natural desires/needs could be seen as a form of infidelity.

I was skeptical of the other edge of the sword, as well.

I expressed one of the many fears I had in my last relationship, that I felt would be heightened in an open relationships.

“There’s a fear that (my partner) would wind up being more interested in newness than in me. I think that’s my biggest fear. I don’t want to be the old, boring choice.”

He responded, “New isn’t always the best. Sometimes the familiar is better.”

He told me to Google NRE (new relationship energy) and ORE (old relationship energy.)

I did as instructed and I found a reddit chain that kinda blew my mind.

The initial question was from a person who was in a newly poly relationship, and they were worried that their partner was falling for someone else, and wanted to know if ORE could ever be as addictive or desirable as NRE.

I pulled some quotes from the responses:

CrunchChannel said, “I don’t get the intense NRE anymore as much as I did when my wife and I first opened up. THAT was intense. But at no time did I ever feel like I was any less in love with my wife (of 16 years). If anything, I was just more in love with everyone and more excited, affectionate, and horny in general. The other new one *will* be more intense, for a little while, but that’s just chemicals and novelty… try to enjoy your partner’s happiness and the benefits it brings to your own relationship with them.”

VincentGrayson said, “As for “being in love” with two or more people, I’ve found that to be pretty easy. The newness can make someone harder to get out of your head, but I never found myself loving another partner less or wanting to be less affectionate or anything like that.”

Emeraldead said, “NRE is fireworks, ORE is fireflies.”

Genderpunk said, “Two years ago when my primary partner and I got together, she had both NRE and ORE simultaneously for me and her existing partner, and now I’m experiencing both for her and my new interest… It’s like the NRE amplifies the energy I have for my older relationships and everything is just really great in general.”

As I kept reading the thoughtful responses, my mind started to expand. I felt my fears slowly melting away… not just in terms of a polyamorous relationship versus a monogamous one, but in general.

I’ve clung so tightly onto the notion that my partner’s love for and interest in me is dependent on his lack of love or interest in someone else… or that it would slip away due to increased familiarity

In a way, I always thought my own beauty and desirability must depend on someone else’s lack of beauty and desirability. This thought has caused so much fear, jealousy, and unhappiness for me, but maybe it didn’t need to after all. Maybe, if I could move beyond that way of thinking, I could stop getting so down on myself for all of my imperfections.

;;mind blown emoji;;

CrunchChannel said, “In monogamy, a new love is the death knell of the old relationship.” In poly relationships, that simply wasn’t true.

We ended our talk by looking up an interview with Willow Smith on open relationships that I had heard referenced in a podcast.

Willow says, “…That insecurity and fear is something that we need to overcome and… evolve out of and transmute into something new and different that can actually be helpful and make us love more and more freely. Monogamy I feel actually inhibits you from learning those skills of evolving past those feelings of insecurity and jealousy.”

As far as Garett goes, I feel like I lucked out. Regardless of his preferred relationship type, there is an openness and willingness to share that I adore. (Not to mention the fact that I find him incredibly sexy…)

In a way, our relationship is like an inadvertent intro to polyamorous dating, which I can enjoy and explore and warm up to from afar… although I look forward to the day when I can touch him and laugh with him out yonder in the real world…

I know I am at the beginning of my exploration with polyamory, and whether I decide in my future that it’s the right kind of relationship for me or not, demystifying open relationships has already helped me settle some big relationship and personal fears, and perhaps the first time in awhile, I feel like it might just be possible to love as deeply as I have always desired.