Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

Part of my job as a matchmaker includes asking my clients not to judge someone based on a photograph. We present only one photograph to a match, and most of the time these are not people who have mastered the art of the selfie.

People tend to decline or accept someone based on one photograph- forget that they shelled out a bunch of money to have professionals look at the overall characteristics, values and behaviors of a unique individual.

It can be very disheartening to have someone decline a date because of a photograph.

At the end of the day, I hop on Hinge and swipe through a sea of photographs, judging every last one of them.

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One of three things happens when people use photographs to make a decision about whether they would like to get to know somebody.

The first is that they like someone’s picture and assume that is EXACTLY what that person is going to look like (including an entire personality they projected onto that person.) They say, “Yes” to the match and are disappointed when they show up and the person doesn’t look or come off how they imagined.

The second is that they don’t like someone’s picture and assume that is EXACTLY what that person is going to look like (including the personality they projected onto that person.) They take away their opportunity of maybe meeting someone they click with.

The third is, they are attracted enough to the photo and say, “Yes,” and are pleasantly surprised by the other person.

*Heart Palpitations*

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In our digital world of swiping through hundreds of faces on multiple apps, why settle for a photograph that doesn’t give you a hard on? After all, there are SO MANY that do!

That kind of pressure is enough to download the latest version of FaceTune stat. But, as desperate as one might be to earn the swipe right, what the fuuccckkkkkk do they think they’re going to accomplish by posting photos that don’t accurately portray them? The goal is to meet in person, right?

It’s challenging to meet someone on a dating app! There’s so much stacked against you. False expectations, mannerisms that bother you, lack of attraction, lack of conversation… each and every move is being judged and analyzed in order to answer the question, “could they be my next true love?” Of course this question takes years and years to actually answer, but in the insta culture, we want the answers, well… instantly.

The best thing somebody can do to rule out being ruled out upon minutes of meeting someone is to choose photos that accurately show who they are. To take it a small notch forward, you can even choose photos that leave room for the other person to be pleasantly surprised!

The world is digital mayhem, which has lead younger generations to become obsessed with visuals and physical appearance. I’m not even going to do the gemini thing where I try and convince you that people are more than their photographs (I mean obviously that’s true. I even have a poem about it!) But no, no moral high ground for me today.

I’m just going to simply acknowledge this way of life, and tell you how you can do your part to make it a little less painful for everybody involved:

LOOK LIKE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS.

Listen, I know we want to earn that swipe right, but misrepresenting who you are is a waste of everybody’s time. Especially yours.

Here are some tricks to make sure you’re presenting yourself in a way that leaves someone excited to know more, without setting yourself up for failure when you meet in the flesh!

1. Go easy on the editing. We all have flaws, and IRL we can’t just edit them away. Whether it’s smoothing out an eye wrinkle or changing the way your body looks to try and make it perfect, heavily manipulated photographs are not going to do you any favors on a first date. There are other ways you can look like your best self… but also not look like you’re an alien avatar! Such as…

2. Wear make up! Style your hair! Put on a cute outfit! I barely wear make up in person, but if I’m going to take photos, I know I need to put some on, just to look like myself. The camera sees us differently than other people, and certainly than how we see ourselves. Doing “the work” beforehand instead of over editing after the fact will help keep you looking natural. You know, like a human. The result will be more swipe rights, and the ability to actually show up looking like your photos!

3. Find the light. Similar to above, good lighting can help capture how you look on a great day. It’s bizarre just how big of a role lighting can play. If you’re inside, facing a window that offers natural light is key. If you’re outside, harsh mid-day light will give you harsh shadows. On the contrary, if you’re back lit, you won’t be able to see your face. Try a shadowy area, or an early morning or evening, when the sun isn’t so bright.

4. Get a second (and maybe third) opinion. We see ourselves differently than others see us, and the result is we pick photos that we think look like us but they don’t. A good way to troubleshoot and make sure your photographs look like you is the ask a trustworthy friend or even family member. Whoever you feel comfortable sharing these photos with. Let them know you want to make sure you look like your pictures and 9/10, they’ll tell you which photos you need to reconsider.

5. Contrary to popular opinion, I have thrown in one or two photos where I am certainly not looking my best. I think its realistic to not have all your photos be glamor shots… and in picking a photo outside of that category, you might be giving an opportunity for someone to get a better glimpse of your personality. After all, if you’re hoping to reel someone in for forever (which, not everybody is!) Or however long you’re hoping to entertain a partner, presumably you’ll arrive at a point where you don’t have the time or energy or put on the bells and whistles. If someone gets a glimpse of that from the get-go, and they still swipe right, chances are you’re not going to have to be stressing out over appearance based issues from day one. AND again, you’re keeping their expectations at bay, so when they meet you they can think, “Wow!”

5. Think about who you want to attract and why. After a long conversation with a smart, creative, talented, and happily taken girlfriend, I decided to swap out my booty-licious pic for, well, another bikini pic… but a little less “bend me over,” and a little more… something else. While I still want to be seen as sexually desirable, I realized that if somebody swiped right because they wanted to fuck the girl with the explicit ass shot… they were probably the kind of person who would be swiping right to all the girls with all the asses. So, I put my fear (that if I don’t show off my body in a sexual way, I won’t be seen as sexy) aside, and… well… still put a sexy bikini shot that maybe had like 10% more of an artistic feel. (Fuck it. I’m still in So Flo.) In the end, I swapped the picture because the kind of person I wanted to attract is a person who is after something more committed. If thats the case, then they might appreciate that they have to spend time to get to know me before they get to see what it would be like to… bend me over.

In conclusion, (don’t) judge people by their photographs.

Lol.