Why Is Dating Making Me More Lonely?
I worked hard- especially during quarantine- on valuing my time alone. Now, the chaos of dating again has me unexpectedly feeling the emptiness I tried so hard to avoid.
I was hung over af from my date with The Girl, but I pulled myself out of bed. I had to to get ready to see the Music Producer. Meanwhile, my phone buzzed- I had to put off my date with the Young Guy till tomorrow, and this new guy I double matched with (on Hinge and Tinder) was asking to set something up. AND OMG WTF SO MUCH GOING ON.
I thought back to what felt like decades ago, but was only a few months ago… sitting in my childhood room at my parents place in quarantine. I would go weeks without seeing anyone outside of my immediate family… days without going beyond my driveway. Yet, I did not feel alone.
I was dabbling in online flirtations that kept a certain appetite satiated, and enjoyed the fact that these relationships would likely remain in the “if only” category. I was right on time with the rest of the nation, reconnecting with ex’s and could-have-been-but-weren’t-quite ex’s. But between me, my cat, my cat, my cat, my parents, my blog, and my cat, I felt content with this new simplicity.
Then, suddenly… abruptly, things changed. Within a mere few weeks job searching in Miami, I found a unique position as a nanny and was looking for apartments. I landed in South Beach and started the job in August. As Trump’s favorite state rolled back restrictions I found myself pleasantly distracted from what the rest of the world was going through. I acclimated to life without the fear of infecting my parents, and my risk taking grew steadily over the coming months.
The adjustment in my dating life was palpable. Suddenly, the people I matched with were actually, like, real-life potentials partners. The thought was exhilarating, especially because I was feeling so content in my solo life. Ehem. Yes, I said, “content in my solo life.” That shit took me years to achieve! And isn’t that where you want to be when you start the hunt back up searching for a mate? Not looking for another person to fulfill you, only to fill up very specific parts of you…
Yeah. I was gonna crush it.
And so the dating commenced. First, slowly. One date, maybe two every couple of weeks. I spent more time on the apps, texting and getting to know people, trying preemptively to weed out any duds, taking less risks by starting off with video chats.
The actual dates were at best neutral and at worst disastrous. With the uncertainty of the virus hanging overhead, it was hard to navigate boundaries, especially with the possibility of the relationship eventually becoming intimate.
The precautionary measure became to meet at big, outdoor places (major bonus if there were fans or wind involved) and if I liked the person and found myself getting in closer proximity, I would go to my local testing facility before going back to work.
After a handful of dates like this, I met Mexico and I caught feelings fast. A few weeks of sporadic texting and going out, and things fell apart, also fast. I was as devastated as one could be so early on…
CLICK HERE to find out what happened with the Mexico.
The cure? Meet more people. Have more dates.
Soon I lost patience for long text conversations pre meet up. Too often people ghosted, flaked or looked completely different than their pictures. I started cutting to the chase quicker. The result was more dates. The more adequate people would schedule something right away. At first the idea was appalling to me, but once plans fell apart enough times I became swift to schedule two plans for the same night. On the rare occasion that both followed through, I would reschedule with whoever I was less excited about.
A familiar emptiness started to creep up inside me, and I needed to fill it quickly!
I found myself on a night off with nothing to do feeling confused and lonely. How do I have a fun evening by myself!? Right about now I should be picking out my outfit, throwing on some concealer, and wondering what will come of the next person in line. A night in now consisted of glances at my phone, wondering if and who I would hear from. When there wasn’t even the possibility of meeting my lasting one true love, what should I be doing?
My time alone was suddenly… lonely. I had all these feelings running through me. There was lingering hurt from Mexico, who ghosted me precisely two texts after saying “I’m not ghosting you.” I wondered if I should still be considering the Music Producer as a viable option, despite his ridiculously busy schedule and the fact I had not heard from him in days. But mostly, I just felt empty, alone, with nothing to offer.
When did it begin? I was alone so often prior to dating, and I felt satisfied with my own company. Now being alone was unexciting, uninviting. It was sub par. I had been knocked back so easily to a time in my life where I weighed my own value on what other people thought of me.
The question now was: why?
First, it’s hard to feel good about “getting back on the horse” when so many people worldwide are suffering from the virus, whether it’s continued isolation because of the restrictions put in place, or because they have, or know someone, lost someone who has it. Sure, it’s nice to feel connection with those who I have the pleasure of meeting IRL, but on a grander scale, I no longer feel connected to the rest of the country and… world. I’m in my own Miami bubble, and while I appreciate and certainly have been taking advantage of it, there’s also part of me that realized I’m isolating myself from the hardships that my fellow humans are facing.
There’s also something intangible that happens as I look for someone to suffocate with my love and affection. The search, the presence of possibility creates a sense hope, and when it doesn’t work out the natural consequence is that feeling of hope drains from my core. To try and reinstate the hope, the instinct is to continue on with more dates, which is what caused the shitty feeling in the first place.
The answer? I mean, I dunno dude, sorry!
I kid, of course I know everything…
1. Look at what else is going on! For me, my unbalanced schedule was leaving me feeling super antsy on my days off. My days on were no better as I was not happy with my job. Also, my creative endeavors were at a stand still. All of this bled into my desperation for finding stimulation on a date. I needed to make other changes, most of which had nothing to do with having a partner.
2. Put limits on your time spent swiping and dating. Give yourself time to digest the process, because with online dating the pace of matching, dating, etc., is much quicker than if you’re relying on meeting people IRL. Personally, the fact that a potential partner is available at my fingertips puts an almost manic pressure on me to find them as quickly as possible. But putting that manic energy to try and find love creates a process filled with high highs and low lows… and like a drug, you go back for more to try and ease the pain.
3. Book yourself. Schedule in other activities, whether its a zoom date with a friend or a yoga session at home. Don’t depend solely on dates to bring you stimulation. Make it difficult to say yes because you’re so busy taking care of yourself, and prioritizing other relationships. Even if its your relationship with your cat. (It’s my relationship with my cat…)
I’m writing, and as I write I realize that HOPE is not something that can be reestablished by more dates. It’s something that comes from within… something that I have the power to hang on to, no matter how many times it doesn’t work out. So I’m gonna go ahead and chill the fuuccckkkkkkk out now.
Until the next one.
K thanks bye.
