Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

One of the hardest parts of this new, quarantine lifestyle is lack of stimulation. And lack of human contact. And lack of work, and increased anxiety and… Okay, whoa. Let’s stay focused.

Social Quarantining sucks, especially for singles because (to put it bluntly) singles are horny as fuucckkkk right now with no outlets. I should know. I am one of them.  

Pre-dating end-of-days living, my ex- whom I very much still share romantic feelings with, was supposed to fly from California to Florida and steal me away for a couple weeks of unadulterated companionship, mental and emotional stimulation and touching. Lots of touching. Unfortunately with the pending pandemic, the possibility of him coming looked slimmer and slimmer, until his flight came and went and he sheltered in place.

My itch for human connection, however, also seemed to shelter in place, and with my ex dealing with this crisis in his own way on the other side of the country from me, I knew I needed to find a different kind of fix.

So, I dusted off my good old Tinder app and gave it a try.

I realized there are some amazing benefits to using dating apps during quarantine, like you don’t actually have to date anyone! That’s a huge bonus for me, since I’m not currently looking for a relationship. Just the thought of going on a date with someone I met online was exhausting; having to get dressed up and go out in public only to discover my date doesn’t look like his or her picture, or that he or she is a douche.

Knowing that our interactions wouldn’t necessarily lead to meeting in the flesh was… appealing! Freeing, even.

The more I thought about it, the more incentives I found to hop online. First of all, let’s talk about digital sex. It’s 100% BABY-PROOF. It protects 100% AGAINST STD’s. And, best of all (but honestly, not best of all because I really don’t want to get pregnant or have STD’s) it protects you from catching THE CORONAVIRUS!

The fun doesn’t stop there. Sexting on the app means:

• Once sex is finished, you don’t really care if they call you the next morning!
• You can finish whenever you want, and then continue watching Bob’s Burgers and they never have to know. 
• You get a sense of what weird sex stuff someone’s into before having to deal with it in person.
• You can totally slut-it-up without post sex guilt/worrying about the potential consequences.
• For the ladies, you’re not relying on visual stimulation to get to off- you actually have words to read to help you get where you need to be.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, baby!

I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I got my first couple of matches, because a lot of people are, ya know… stupid, and sure enough two out of the four people who started a conversation with me wanted me to come “isolate” at their places and have sex. (Um. Hi. There’s a pandemic going around.) Can’t fault them for trying (I guess.) Oh well. NEXT!

As time went on and I started chatting with different types of people and establishing different types of connections, I realized I was a lot more open than I typically was with strangers I met on the Internet.

I pondered the nitty-gritty details of what I could do to optimize my experiences. 

Here’s what I came up with:  

You’re going to have different types of connections with different people.

This is okay in the digital world because you don’t have to worry about getting overwhelmed by actually dating people who aren’t perfect for you.

You can “hang out” with someone who you strictly find attractive but don’t converse well with, and you can also entertain someone who you find mentally stimulating even if it never leads to sex.

Take the opportunity to indulge in the variety! You might learn a little bit more about what you like and don’t like, without the pressure of having to put it to the test right away.

Schedule a time and place.  

It can be a lot to just randomly text someone throughout the day, while you’re distracted with other things. It can cause the conversation to peter out, even though you might still have plenty to talk about.

Try, instead, suggesting a specific time and method to chat. It can start out with a designated time to message with that person when you know you’re not busy with other stuff and can offer them your full(ish, lets be honest) attention.

Then, maybe you can advance to a (dun, dun, dun) phone conversation, and then maybe, even, possibly FaceTime!

In the real world, I wouldn’t recommend messaging someone for too long before you meet them for a drink, since the chemistry you’ve built on the App might not translate in person anyway; but without the need to worry about that you can dedicate more time than you normally would to working on building real connection before you ever have the opportunity meeting someone in person. You can hear their voice; see their face beyond their pictures, etc.

Who knows! If you aren’t bored with them by the time we’re able resume life, as we knew it, there’s a chance that you might be compatible… like really compatible!  

When it comes to all things dirty, set boundaries.

In the world of getting frisky online, there’s nothing I dislike more than someone wanting to change platforms in the midst of things getting heated.

Knowing in advanced what you’re ready for is a way to prevent an uncomfortable situation from taking shape.

To help clarify boundaries, here is a somewhat childish way to differentiate levels of dirty!

(Best spoiler-alert ever: they all can end with an orgasm!)

First Base: Dirty messaging only.

Dirty messaging, or sexting, can be really arousing! If fact, for a lot of people, it’s enough to put you over the edge… in a good way! All of this, and it’s risk-free!

Off the bat, it can feel too vulnerable sending pictures. They will probably ask for pictures. In the moment, you might feel like you are obligated to send pictures. You’re not.  

It’s helpful to communicate clearly, “I’m not sending you pictures tonight,” from the get-go, so they know what their signing up for, and you can let loose in your comfort-zone.

Second Base: Dirty texting with sexy (not nude) pictures.

If you feel like you’ve built a sense of trust with someone, then perhaps you’re ready to underline your sexy vocabulary with some tactful imagery.

In other words, transfer your messages to your preferred platform and get your selfie-stick ready!

Sending sexy pictures can feel a little risqué, but when you consider how scant the bikinis are on your average social media platform, you don’t need to stress too much when you show just a little skin.

Third Base: Dirty texting with nude pictures.

Because sometimes in the midst of a heated moment, you throw caution to the wind and stop worrying about whether someone’s going to post your nudes on the Internet, because fuck it, there are probably some floating around the ether anyway.

If it makes you feel super uncomfortable, but you still want to play, you don’t have to show your face. Of course, you don’t have to do it at all! Dealer’s choice.

Home Run: Video sex.

If you’ve had some experience with this person and it’s been going well, you might want to take things to the next level and really see them, and let them see you, in the act.

Maybe it takes some time to build up to. Maybe you’re there from the get go.

For me, it’s a really vulnerable thing, being on camera in this way, without the closeness of your partner there to comfort you, but it can also be fun and rewarding (again, if you’re comfortable.)

No matter what, it is your decision, and you’re not in as vulnerable of a position if you want to back out of something last minute than you might feel in person with someone you don’t know well.

People are always going to ask you for more, which is why it’s good to think about and communicate your hard limits in advanced. A (virtual) partner who is worth keeping around will be patient, respectful and appreciative no matter what!!!

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Using online dating to connect with others is like looking out a window to post-pandemic life. Even if it’s unlikely (and really, unessential) that you’re meeting your soul mate, it can resume a sense of normalcy by simply learning about someone and, therefor, talking about things unrelated to the global pandemic.  

When most of our days are becoming predictable, online dating allows you to capture the excitement of the unknown- while wearing whatever the fuck you want, and from the comfort of your bed.

If this is the age of the digital slut, then I’m on board.