Don’t Drag Your Past Relationships Into The Future
I was of the mind that no topic should be off-limits on a date. After all, you’re trying to get to know someone, like, for real! Turns out, talking too much about the ex’s can lead to your present becoming your past.
We Talked About Everything, Including Our Past Relationships. Why Not?
I really liked “Mexico” off the bat because he wasn’t typical, and I like people who are weird, I mean, interesting. Our conversation flowed. He asked a lot of questions and really listened to my answers, no matter how much I rambled and how far away I found myself from his initial question. And when I asked him questions, he gave me equally dizzying answers, not shy to take his time and get beneath the surface. He was confident, curious and interesting.
CLICK HERE for the full account of what happened with Mexico.
Perhaps this was why we dove in pretty deep about our past relationships, without stopping to think if we should be venturing into this delicate territory so soon.
As someone who never really liked “traditional” dating as a way to get to know someone, it didn’t bother me. It felt very natural and I wasn’t about to put a stop to, or overthink whether a topic should be “off-limits.”
He dove into stories of past romances nonchalantly; without trying, or realizing the extent of how romantic his romantic fucking stories were. They were engrossing and he spoke with such… affection.
On the contrary, my history was at best typical, if not frustrating. Of course, I secretly harbored hope that I could find aspects of my past that would cause at least a small amount of jealousy, as I had felt listening to him. Instead I worried I was giving him insight to a sadness that I carried around with me.
I didn’t yet realize the extent of how his tales would alter my perception of, well, everything.
Talking About Past Relationships Began To Shift My Thoughts On The Present
I was learning about him, or at least developing wild ideas of who he was, based on his past relationships. Like, for example, he seemed unafraid to dive in head first.
This wasn’t necessarily relevant to us, as we were mostly discussing the limitations of our own relationship, due to his plans to move to Mexico.
But around date two his tales of moving quickly… and things actually working out… began to seep into my insecurities. After all, contrary to his former relationships, we were not making plans to get married or move in together. Was something wrong? Should I be nervous?
The kicker was when he admitted he was still a bit heartbroken about his last fling. Curiosity got the better of me and I (mistakenly) asked what he would do about Mexico if he were still dating her. He told me he would absolutely have relocated her to Mexico. He mentioned her job wasn’t location dependent, also they had known each other for a long longer than two dates. BUT STILL!
Jealousy is blinding. It began to spread inside of me, but it was a more subtle type of jealousy than, “Why you texting that bitch?” Only in retrospect did I realize: I wanted to win, or at least prove as good as the women who previously reeled in this catch.
The initial goal of getting to him him was slipping away, along with my confidence. It became a comparison. A race against time. Did I possess the ability to make him want to include me in his future, like the last girl? Could I spark something in him that would make him want to dive into an all consuming romantic tryst with me?
It didn’t help that I was competing against mystery women. Of course I imagined they were mythical goddess creatures. Or at the very least, everything I wasn’t.
Survey Says: Don’t Talk About Past Relationships With New People!
In learning so much about his ex’s and past relationships… as interesting as they were… it became more about comparing myself to them and our relationship to theirs than seeing if ours could grow organically.
I asked my family and friends about whether I should involve myself with someone who is leaving, and I briefly mentioned some of what he told me about his last relationships.
“Why are you even talking about that?” was more or less the reaction I received from my beautiful, successful, married sister. Same from my sexy, single Slovakian roommate. They both thought it was crazy that we were talking about past relationships so soon… or even at all.
At first I was in complete disagreement that this topic should be off-limits. I even was under the impression that relationship history was somewhat standard to talk about when getting to know someone new.
Avoiding the topic- or any topic in particular, really- seemed surface and artificial. The more I thought about it, however, the clearer it became that talking about it with him had changed my perspective on everything: our relationship, him and me.
Why you should stay away from talking about past relationships when dating.
It creates unnecessary comparison between relationships.
No matter how consciously or subconsciously, positively or negatively you do this, it’s difficult not to compare yourself with someone’s ex; or how your relationship is developing compared to how their former relationships developed.
Obviously you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people in general, but in this case it’s especially true because you know basically nothing. It’s easy to paint pictures in our head of a seemingly perfect ex partner, or aspects of someone else’s relationship that you worry your current relationship may lack. But, you know. Stop it!
You’re in danger of letting your ego dictate your feelings.
Sometimes, you know you should let go but you just can’t. It’s got less to do with genuine feelings for someone and more about winning. What’s behind the desire to compete and compare? The desire to win, which is just another way to feed your ego.
Sometimes, even when you try and let go, you’ll get a flash of panic, of how you weren’t good enough- and your desire to silence that little voice and claim some kind of victory will outweigh your desire to take care of yourself and move on.
You’re only hearing one side and one aspect about the relationship.
When it’s our own past relationships in question, we have the nitty gritty details that led to their demise. We know that we probably aren’t looking for exactly the same thing again. We know what we want instead. But when it’s somebody else’s past, you’re only hearing small glimpses of the perceived reality. Whether someone chooses to divulge the negative or the positive, there’s probably an intricate mix of both that they’re leaving out, making it difficult to understand the full picture.
Its not relevant to the chemistry and compatibility that you have with the person you’re dating. It’s all unique.
I thought we were off to a great start getting to know each other… until he told me about the beginnings of his other relationships. Suddenly, our “story” felt lackluster. I felt lackluster.
This wasn’t the case though. There was something there (I think) but I was too blinded by the light shone on the ex’s to focus on that. Instead of remembering that I’m, well, fuckin me… my mind was elsewhere. Particularly on my shortcomings compared to these imagined goddesses.
Relationships are very complicated and out of context can seem like they say something about a person that isn’t true.
Based on someone’s past, it’s easy to make assumptions about who they are. But people change. They grow, and move in different directions with each new experience. Don’t presume to know somebody because of what they tell you about their past. Focus on the behavior they are showing you now.
Someone might have been a schmuck in a past relationship, but that could have been more of an indication about what they were ready for at that point in their lives. At this point in their lives, they could be ready to utilize that past knowledge and put it towards something they want to work. Maybe that’s you.
Things You Can Talk About That Have Nothing To Do With Ex’s!
- Religion or Politics! – Just kidding! (But also, not really because the more polarized the country becomes, the more essential it is date someone who you see eye-to-eye with certain issues on.)
- Work, passions, ambitions. I know this seems like standard stuff, and not everyone is super thrilled about work… but everyone has something that they are passionate about, or working towards. Even if you don’t share the same passions or ambitions, it’s such an intimate way to get to know someone else, and typically a subject that brings joy to whoever is speaking about it.
- Friends… or family While family can be a great topic, not everybody has a family history that they’re dying to share. So, approach the family questions with caution, and if you or your date seems hesitant then move the conversation towards friends (aka chosen family.) Since you choose your friends, it can be a lot more fun to talk about, plus it could lead to many bonus stories about fun times, that are both telling and entertaining.
- Future, lifestyle, values: I mean, you don’t have to talk about all the kids you want running around quite yet… but painting a picture of what you see for yourself could help you figure out if your visions align or are at all compatible with someone else’s.
- Fun stories about yourself! I mean, not everyone is a natural born story teller like MWAH (eheheh) but sharing little moments in time can definitely be a fun way to show unique aspects of your personality that can make someone excited about getting to know you better. One day maybe you will share stories like that together.
- Quirks- what weird thing do you do before bed every night? Silly, light hearted, but also TELLING. I’ll never forget the time my Italian lover told me about how disgusting he found burping. Good thing he was honest before I grossed him out too much.
- Shower thoughts! I mean, okay, fine, it’s a prompt on hinge, but why not?! Where does your mind wander to in passing?
In Conclusion
I’m not saying you should never mention anything about your relationship history while dating and getting to know a new person, but I have learned that it is important to enter this territory with CAUTION. Be mindful about how the information might be impacting the other person. Hearing about past relationships can alter someone’s genuine feelings. When in doubt, say nothing.
Dating and getting to know a new person is not an appropriate time to reminisce about past loves. It doesn’t mean you should never talk about it, but perhaps it’s better to wait until you have a grasp on how your current relationship is developing. If I had felt more confident about where I stood and how I felt, perhaps the stories wouldn’t have had the same effect.
In the end, your past relationships didn’t work out for a reason, so don’t drag them into your future.
