Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

I was a little girl who always fantasized about true love. When I had crushes and inevitably got rejected, I used that fantasy to develop my own personal prince who I knew must still be out there, waiting for me. As I got older and dated more, the more I was disappointed and that general prince charming developed more specific qualities that my real life mates lacked; like, he was always able to surprise me in ways only he knew how, and he knew how to talk things through instead of fight… he would remain a mystery to me even though I know him to his core, he would never tire of me and never desire to have sex with anyone else, and he would, of course, buy me flowers.

Now, when it comes to reality, I consider myself lucky to have dated (most of) the men I’ve been with in my adult life. They’ve all had a lot of positive attributes, but obviously fell short of my insanely high expectations, leading me to adjust my list of Prince Charming qualities to things like, “texts me back within 24 hours,” and “has a job.”

It’s when I look back on the all the years of heartbreak and rejection, however, that I’m surprised to find it was in the midst of those not-bad-enough-to-end relationships where I experienced the most pain because it was clearest then that love, as I had imagined it, did not seem to exist.

Throughout the course of my 20’s, personal experience was far from the only thing that jaded me. It seemed that, one by one, my list of relationship role models were dwindling, bursting open at the seems and ending in divorce or betrayal… not that divorce is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes, it’s the best thing in the world! Still, it’s never quite the goal when entering into a relationship, and the number of relationships that have gone awry definitely became a larger number than those who are still happily, romantically together.

What’s a romance fiend to do?

It’s so difficult to get to the bottom of these broken relationships because the people who are in them are not particularly keen on discussing them. As I’ve heard several times again, “Nobody really knows how a relationship is except for the people in the relationship.”

There are also so many different reasons why a relationship might fall apart.

This is frustrating news to me because how am I supposed to know what mistakes to avoid, what normal is vs. what a red flag is?  

It seems that you CAN’T predict when a relationship will work, when love will last a lifetime, or when it will fade into the void; or when love is enough to keep faithfulness, or when that same love will result in pain and betrayal. Love is so intricate and nuanced, and the expectation is that is will last forever, but how could we ever really know, and which is worse, because I’ve seen it all? Love that fades while the marriage remains? Love that lasts but someone is unfaithful? Love that tears families apart, but happiness is achieved in the aftermath?

I looked for evidence as I dove into my research, although I suppose if a sick person shouldn’t go on WebMD, then maybe a lovesick person should also avoid falling into the deep dark web. 

Not that anything I read or have come to know is inherently negative. It’s more that it simply doesn’t support that Disney fantasy, which says that Prince Charming is not, in fact, just around the corner, waiting to sweep me off my feet and into a lifetime of always-happy-high-sex-drive-forever-never-fighting bliss.

It seems common knowledge now that the divorce rate (in the United States) is between 40%-50% percent. I learned that the chemicals our brains release that make us feel lusty attraction to our partners tend to last no longer than 4 years (if you’re very lucky!) And I learned that, no matter how smitten you are with your partner, you’re still going to fight, annoy each other and constantly be exposed to each other’s many, many flaws. I was once told when I was venting about wanting a “perfect” body:

“Show me a woman with a perfect body and I’ll show you a man who is sick of her body.”

It was bleak, but I think the essence was that you can’t desire what you already have, or it’s at least a hell of a lot more difficult than wanting what you don’t have.

The evidence all seemed to point to the same place, which is that human nature is not to be monogamous.

It first clicked when I heard Dan Savage say something like, “It’s not like people in committed, monogamous relationships are never going to be attracted to other people… they just have an expectation that they will not act on that desire.”

I remember hearing about this concept when I was in high school, and sort of rolling my eyes and assuming that was just a bullshit excuse for men being sleazy. Now that I’ve been around the block, so to speak, I feel like the concept of monogamy might not be so inherent in us after all. This is why you will see me write about the concept of open relationships as a kind of answer to these questions.

The idea behind openness can be (unexpectedly) rather sweet. One key element is taking away the expectation that you are able to be everything your partner will ever need. We are complex beings with complex needs, and you can still love your partner and your partner can love you even if you can’t satisfy every desire and need they have.

Another key element is pretty simple: wanting your partner to be and feel pleasure and appreciation from others that admire them. When we love things, we have a tendency to want to take ownership of them but if we truly look at the principles of love then we would want that thing to exist freely, choosing to return back to us because they want to, not because they must. If your partner has the ability to indulge in behavior that will make them feel good and happy, then theoretically, their happiness would bring you joy as well. 

As I mentioned before, the idea of open relationships is quite complex, and I’m not sure I’m ready to dive into every aspect of them, so stay tuned for an article on this topic in the future.

In the meantime, with my hope wavering about whether “happily ever after” is actually achievable, I’ve accepted that I may have to broaden my horizons on what a happy relationship means to me. It’s difficult not to confuse this with settling.

I keep coming back to open and honest communication. I would much rather be kept in the loop if my partner feels a desire to explore intimacy with different people, even if this means I have to face my own jealousy issues.

Admittedly, this notion may stem from the fear that if there’s not that sense of openness, I’m doomed to one day discover that my partner has been lying to me, and has been living a double life while I have been blindly playing “wife.” Honesty is about having the choice to decide what your priorities are, and if/when somebody cheats, they aren’t giving you that choice.

My research does bring me hope in one crucial area, which is that the only people who get to define their relationship are those involved in the relationship. It can grow and change over time, get worse, get better and will always get complicated, but if you do maintain open dialogue, and constantly check in and reevaluate, then you are giving yourself and your partner the freedom of choice, and that can make all the difference.

I regretfully still yearn for the type of love I dreamt about as a child. It’s regrettable because as I explore my sexuality and attempt to discover and define to what degree I’m attracted to what sex, it means that the ‘Prince’ at the end of the tunnel might not look the way I had dreamed of for so many years, mirroring the images that Disney and society ingrained in my brain.

That doesn’t mean love and happiness can’t exist.

Believing in love is hard, and it’s scary as shit to admit to myself after everything that I’ve been through and seen others go through that I’m actually still DYING to achieve that stupid, crazy, painful, beautiful love, because, you know… life.

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But I had a dream the other night…

I was playing with someone I loved and we were rolling around, submerged in water and dancing all at once.

“Want to get married?” I asked, feeling as though it was finally my turn to have that playground ceremony that so many of my friends brought into fruition as children (and now, as adults) but I somehow could not.

It was silly really… they obliged and the celebration commenced with only four or five others there to bear witness… a friend gave a speech and said “I think Shira has been waiting her entire life for this…” and it was true. 

The entire time I had no idea whether the other person actually wanted to marry me, or if it was just a game they were allowing me to play. I only knew I loved them so much I didn’t care, and that even if it was a game it was quite a sweet gesture, to let me have my happy ending.

The “wedding” itself was ridiculous, I was half-naked and wearing leggings… nothing like what I had been secretly pinteresting and dreaming about all these years… but it was perfect, all the same.