Prepare Yourself For Rejection In The World Of Online Dating
I was so happy about the prospect of online dating again because I had done just that much work on myself and I was feeling invincible. I was feeling like any man… that’s literally ANY man would be lucky to just be in my presence. Unfortunately, that was not the reality.
*COVID NOTE: I follow all restrictions put in place by local government. I always make sure dates are at the very least outdoors, and am hyper aware of proximity to others. I am fortunate enough to have a testing facility walking distance to my apartment, and I get tested every couple weeks, especially before work weeks or seeing family. I’m doing my best to stay safe and sane in this crazy new city.
Wait… online dating comes with rejection???
I was ill prepared for rejection when it came to online dating. Of course, I didn’t think I was a fucking reject, or feel like a fucking reject, but apparently online dating said I was!
I moved to the beautiful new city of Miami Beach. I started a new job that was a pay upgrade, and my artistic endeavors were… well… somewhat underway, when I could pull myself away from the beach, and boys at said beach, and palm trees, and most of all… from Hinge, which was my latest poison for online dating.
The matches were rolling in, but I soon learned that the more potential SOs I had, the more dead ends I was met with. Whether it was lack of a response after an initial match, someone disappearing after days of flirtatious back and forth, or not getting a call after a first date, rejection was flying in all around me.
I didn’t know these people. Most of the people I didn’t hear from after a first date, I didn’t WANT to hear from. I wasn’t expecting to hear from. Still, it did not matter. The silence stung. I wanted to be wanted by every single asshole that earned a swipe right. Duh. Who doesn’t?
Out of everyone, there was one person, his name is officially Mexico, I went on a date with who I was genuinely excited to meet up with again. He did call, and we made plans for a second date. He canceled two hours prior.
COME BACK NEXT TUESDAY to read about what happened with Mexico.
There were two people who I was super excited to meet, but they canceled, ghosted, then came back, then canceled again. All before we ever met. Le sigh.
Rejection Fucking Blows, Even When Online Dating
Even though I didn’t even know or even like some of these people, the rejections that came with online dating felt like a punch in the gut. It’s amazing how quickly the question in my head became “What’s wrong with me?”
I felt all that work I had done on gaining confidence slipping away. I was at a point in my life where I was truly happy with my day to day. My cat is cute af, I mean, what else? But once the prospect of entering a male counterpart becomes part of the equation, everything feels a bit emptier. Especially when it doesn’t work out.
“You didn’t even know these guys! Don’t give them all the power!” My new, gorgeous, Slovakian roommate insisted. (I was sulking around the house.) Of course, she is right. This is dating 101, but in the midst of it I felt like, you know, like how people feel… a desperate, pathetic fool who did everything wrong and was a desperate, pathetic fool.
I questioned everything about myself. I tried to remember what gave me self-esteem? What else could I think about besides my rejectors? My blog, my creative endeavors… who had time for that?! I was busy wallowing in my rejection, distracting myself with other Hinge people, only to be rejected again!
Why Am I Constantly Being Rejected When Online Dating?
- When it comes down to it, there are SO MANY people online dating. When you think about that reality, and remember that you’re really only looking for one (or maybe many “ones”) of yes’s (depending on your intentions of course!!!) then it makes sense, number-wise, that you’re going to get more no’s than yes’s.
- Often times swiping becomes more like a sport, or passive pastime than a means to find love (or whatever someone may be seeking.) Many people don’t even think about what they’re looking for or what they want before creating a profile. It’s just another form of social media, like an Instragram with local people. Some people even use it to boost their followers!
- Everyone has their own reason for being on the apps. Could be sex, could be for a flirtatious online chat, could be a relationship junkie, could be genuinely looking for love, could be to “get back out there,” could be to have some fun. Who knows! It’s online dating. If someone gets a feeling that their intentions are different than yours, it’s not uncommon for them to go **POOF!**
(I prefer when people are up front and blunt and about their intent. But the reality is people aren’t used to being open and honest about their wants and needs. There seems to be this fear that if they make their true intentions clear that they are going to face (you guessed it) rejection… rather than find someone compatible looking for the same things, and saving incompatible people some time. SMH.
- Someone might have gotten bad news about a loved one. Someone might have just received a promotion and needs to throw themselves into their work. Maybe someone got laid off. Maybe an ex came out of the woodworks and surprise, is pregnant! Maybe they’re just more casual because they haven’t really thought about what they’re looking for and, unlike me, already have an active social life. (Womp, womp. Poor me.)
- They’re too lazy, busy or insecure to meet in person. They like to chat, but when it comes to bringing it off the digital platform they just don’t take the reins.
Honestly, though, who fucking knows?
Don’t Let The Rejection Break You!
The point here is that you really don’t know much about what’s going on in someone else’s life, despite what they might be texting you while using the app.
It’s easy to think that you can really get to know someone on the online platform, or even after a date or two, but the reality is it takes awhile to truly get to know someone.
It’s easy to get your hopes up and idolize people based on their pictures, but meeting people in person can be a total letdown anyway, so fret not! What translates as chemistry via messaging does not necessarily translate to chemistry in the flesh. The person could have a scent that you don’t like. (This has happens to me way too many times. Curse my sensitive nose!) Maybe their voice turns you off, or their stature. Get the image you built of them out of your head. It’s unlikely they would meet and/or surpass your expectations anyway.
It’s crucial to keep in mind that, regardless of how shitty you may feel, it’s probably not your fault that someone decides to cancel, ghost, or wtf ever.
Wooooo Saawwwwwwww.
Stop Wallowing In Your Online Dating Rejection
1. Make Back Up Plans
When my roommie suggested this, my initial response was I would feel bad for whomever I made back up plans with, but as long as you’re honest that your plans are tentative, it’s okay.
The other alternative is to make a solo backup plan. Go to the gym, read a book, treat yourself to a rom-com. Have an indulgent activity on stand-by, just in case!
Keep your expectations at bay. Have the mentality your date may or may not happen. Prepare yourself for both scenarios.
This is where we are in modern dating. Sorry!
2. Feel Your Feelings
If someone you’re excited about disappears… it sucks, even if you didn’t know them well. Let yourself be sad! Feel your feelings and move on. You’ll get excited about someone new eventually.
In fact, author of the book “Come As You Are,” Emily Nagoski says that we need to complete our feelings cycle in order to move through them and come out of the other side of the tunnel.
Be Honest With Yourself
Keep your head on your shoulders. (I’m saying this more to myself than my readers, tbh.) This person is a stranger. They could have pictures up from years ago, or haven’t yet told you about their untreated foot fungus (no offense to people who struggle with foot fungus…)
You just never fucking know in the world of online dating.
4. Find Positive Distractions
What were you doing before that stupid piece of shit came along and ruined your day? Sure, it feels like your whole world shifts towards the negative when you get, erm, canceled. Yet, nothing in your life has ACTUALLY changed, besides your thoughts. So work on trying to change them back to the positive. Focus on the things that excite you and make you feel good and powerful and give you self-esteem.
Rejection Is Part Of The Process, And It Has Nothing To Do With You!
You know what? Really? That other person doesn’t matter. You do. Don’t waste your precious time trying to figure out the who, what, where, why of someone you don’t really know. Instead, spend some time being extra kind to yourself, and reminding yourself of all the amazing qualities you have to offer when the right, non-asshole person comes along.
Yours Truly,
Shira
