How To Break Free From Masturbating In Shame And Increase Self-Pleasure
I clicked my vibrator three times and it revved up to my favorite setting. Just like Dorothy, I knew I would be “home” in no time. However, on my yellow brick road to orgasm I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was missing the actual journey and instead making it about the destination. When we masturbate, it’s only natural that we aim to reach our goal in a timely manner. But, could it be possible that shame had crept into my masturbation habit, causing me to rush through it?
I’ve found that masturbating can help you learn about your body and how you like to be touched. Touched? My masturbation routine was such that I barely had use for my own touch anymore. I had graduated from pillow humping and rubbing myself. It took willpower to give up the ease of my little bullet vibrator in favor of my easily tired fingers. In fact, it took a sense of desperation to opt for manual labor, like a battery dying or something. (GASP!) As much as I attributed my speedy routine to good, old-fashioned laziness, I discovered my simplified routine was partially due to undervaluing my own self-pleasure.
Are you masturbating in shame?
Had shame really shaped the way I got off? I didn’t think it was possible. I’m sexually savvy. I learn all the things about sex-positivity and there’s no taboo subject I’m not willing to dive into.
The truth is, it makes a lot of sense why, unbeknownst to me, shame would take hold of something as intimate as masturbating. Sometimes masturbation habits develop before we really know what sex is. Kidshealth.org states that children start masturbating between the ages of 5 and 9-years-old. Many parents don’t realize this is an appropriate age to discuss masturbating with their kids. The silence can help play to the narrative that masturbation is a shameful secret one should hide.
Additionally, when sexual pleasure (or sexual wellness) isn’t discussed, we become dependent on society to teach whatever information children are receiving about sex. Lack of sexual education prohibits healthy dialogue about sex. Instead, the societal norm, which champions heteronormative sex between married people becomes the only model. It’s riddled with negative connotations. Something as frivolous as self-pleasure is certainly not on the menu for discussion.
It’s no wonder shame got under my skin. It’s part of the reason why my masturbation routine is a race to the finish-line. After all, if your main goal is to not get caught, then reaching an orgasm in a speedy manner is imperative.
Will increasing my self-pleasure decrease the pleasure I feel during partnered sex?
Another reason masturbating might feel more about the destination is the notion that if you enjoy sex with yourself, you wont enjoy sex with a partner. If there were any truth to this, it’s natural to want to save the “real” sexual pleasure for a partner. (Lest you become too satisfied on your own. Heaven forbid. Eye roll.) It is a myth that increasing self-pleasure will decrease the amount of pleasure you share with a partner. If you’re holding onto this stigma, you’re probably looking at your self-pleasure routine as sub par, and treating it as such. Don’t do that. Self-pleasure should be celebrated!
Partnered sex can benefit from exploring through masturbation
For those who are in a relationship, learning to satisfy one’s self could add enjoyment to partnered sex.
The more exploratory you are solo the more knowledge you’ll gain about your own body. Therefor you will be able to articulate your findings to your partner. For instance, maybe you don’t want a finger up the bum, but you do want stimulation around the anus. This is a subtle difference that might take you out of the moment if your partner doesn’t get it right. If you learn it first on your own, you can guide your partner exactly where you want them to go.
Whatever the specifics, our bodies are nuanced and each one differs in likes and dislikes. The more you can explore on your own what you enjoy and what you don’t, the more confident you will be when communicating your desires to your partner. Putting it into action when you bring your partner into the mix can be an exciting new way to enjoy sex.
Masturbating can also strengthen a relationship by acting as an alternative for partnered sexual activity. It’s likely that in a relationship, there will be times when one partner isn’t in the mood for common forms of sex, like oral or penetrative. Engaging in mutual masturbation allows both partners to enjoy pleasuring themselves while watching each other. If one partner isn’t aroused, they might be willing to engage in assisted masturbation, when one partner helps the person get off without touching their partner’s genitals. If all parties have an appetite for sex, masturbating could be an arousing form of foreplay! Whatever the details, consensually masturbating with or in front of your partner can be a very erotic.
Exploring new kinks can start with masturbation
Solo play is a great way to dive into fantasies, fetishes and kinks before exploring in “real life.” In an article from Swell, Gigi Engle says “we develop kinks during many stages of life.” (I’ll use “kink” but in this case it can be interchangeable with fantasies and fetishes.) If you’re on the verge of identifying a new kink it can be quite complicated to think about bringing it to fruition. Kinks can be so intricate and taboo that even sharing it verbally with a partner can be intimidating. In the safety of your own home (or wherever you’re comfortable giving yourself a wank) you can begin to explore what aspects of a developing kink appeal to you, and gain more of an in depth understanding of your relationship to the kink before making it a reality.
Is masturbating really okay, even in a relationship?
Unfortunately, some people might go as far as to look at masturbating in a relationship as a betrayal, as if masturbating indicates lack of interest in their partner. In some cases, it might be that one partner experiences jealousy and insecurity when their partner uses tools, like porn (or even their own imagination) to get themselves off on their own time.
It’s far from such. Masturbating is part of taking care of one’s sexual health. If a partner experiences heightened jealousy because of this, they should do some self-work around their insecurities. Each partner can maintain a sense of sexual autonomy and enjoy sexual activity with their partner(s).
If you’re not dating, you can still have a thriving solo sex-life
For those who aren’t in a relationship, an exciting sex life is still achievable. A thriving sex life doesn’t need to depend on random sexual encounters, or waiting for your next SO to come along. After all, not everyone is keen on that dating life. Single people should enjoy sex as much as people who are partnered! Self-care and self-love include sexual health. It’s a fun and crucial way for those flying solo to have exciting sexual experiences.
Masturbating is healthy
No matter your relationship status, it’s important to take care of our well being, and masturbating has many known health benefits like reducing stress. Stress is contributes to physical health conditions, like high blood pressure and heart disease. Stress also can cause mental health conditions, like depression and anxiety. If giving yourself pleasure decreases health risks, we should be encouraged, and encouraging others, to masturbate as much as possible! (Yay to a world where everyone is wanking it all the time!)
How to master Masturbation?
So how do we do it? How do we master our masturbation practice (heh) and take it to the next level?
Start with identifying your go-to routine, and then think of ways you can change it up! For instance, as much as I love that third setting on my vibrator, watching some breasts bounce, while enjoying myself for all of 3-5 minutes until I orgasm and pass out, what (oh what) would happen if I opted out of using my vibrator?
Maybe I could use my hands instead. When I use my hands, maybe in addition to stimulating my clit, I stimulate other parts of the nearby region, and maybe that feels really good even though I didn’t know I enjoyed touching that body part. Maybe now I have new goals for partnered sex as well (not that it needs to be about partnered sex, because focusing on self-pleasure is equally as valid!) The longwinded point is that changing it up can lead to discovery.
Dedicate the same time you’d give to partnered sex
This also goes for length in time. Society aims to convince you to rush through your shameful routine as quickly as possible, lest you’re caught cream-colored handed. Heaven forbid-don’t you dare- enjoy yourself! In the same way that sex doesn’t need to be a race to orgasm, neither too does masturbation. Orgasm doesn’t need to be your main focus the entire time. Shift your focus to other aspects, like trying to last as long as possible.
Don’t stop after one orgasm!
If that’s too much work, who said you can’t get yourself off two, three, one million times in a row?! After all, if you’re having partnered sex it’s not uncommon to try and make it last, or to try having multiple orgasms. Why wouldn’t you give yourself the same luxury of time? Masturbating should be as much about the journey as the destination.
Switch up your content
Now that we’re in a playful state of mind, why not try switching up your content and seeing what else you might enjoy? What’s been hiding in the darkest shadows of your mind that you’ve tried so desperately to suppress, but you know deep down it’s waiting to rear it’s hypnotizing ugly head? WATCH or THINK ABOUT THAT to get yourself off. Explore it. Indulge in it. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone in the world of masturbation. It’s for you, and you only. A dirty little no-shame secret you have with yourself.
Switch up your method
At first, heightening your arousal by exploring the touch of your own hands can seem strange. It’s natural to associate stimulating touch with the brush of another person’s skin. But there’s no reason why you can’t relish in your own hands moving across your body, softly, softly… harder… harder! And just because you don’t rely solely on your vibrator doesn’t mean you can’t implement the use of other tools for exploratory purposes.
In fact, now that you’re diving into new and spectacular sensations and ways to self stimulate, why not add to it some bells and whistles (or rather, noises) to accompany your adventure? Now that we know masturbating isn’t shameful, we can be as loud as we want, right? Muffle your screams no more (assuming you’re in a private setting.) Otherwise, whisper titillating words that intensify sensations into your own ear.
Celebrate & masturbate!
Masturbation might be something that we do in private, but it isn’t something that needs to bring us shame or embarrassment. Embracing masturbation should be looked at as mandatory upkeep for sexual health, at least for those who enjoy a sexual appetite.
Masturbating should be a celebrated source of pleasure and self-love. Letting go and luxuriating in making yourself feel good can give you a better sense of independence. Even if you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of autonomy. If you’re not in a relationship, you deserve to revel in the same sexual pleasure as those who are.
Who knew that something we do completely on our own could have so many benefits, both in health and happiness? With something as simple as the touch of your hand, you can transport yourself into a world of pleasure. Masturbating should be a journey of discovery, and that discovery should lead to something other shame. Down with the societal stigma, I say! There’s no longer a limit on the amount of delight I can bring myself, and I need no one’s permission to do it but my own.
I still enjoy clicking my vibrator onto that third setting, no doubt, but every once in awhile I treat myself to taking it slow on the yellow brick road.
