Dating Advice: Why Won’t My Boyfriend Have Sex With Me?
Disclaimer: I am a member of several different relationship advice groups on Facebook, where every day people seek and give input on all things dating. I do not claim to be a certified therapist in any way. I do my best to give thoughtful, objective feedback that I hope will benefit the person in need. I don’t believe there is typically a “right” or “wrong” answer to many of the questions posed, only perspectives born from information and experiences.
This Girl reached out to me in response to advice I gave and asked me if I would be willing to give her some feedback on her situation.
I won’t lie; I was thrilled.
The conversation went exactly as followed:
Girl: So me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 months now and we have an amazing relationship.. we don’t really fight .. i mean yeah we have little disagreements but nothing big .. except a couple times. Well in the 6 months we have only had sex 4 times .. we get very intimate but in the mix of it all he will not touch me sexually and just doesn’t initiate sex .. in the end I end up just giving him a blow job and then he’s done. He tells me he just can’t stop me when I start cause its the best he’s ever had .. but im so confused as to why he won’t touch me or have sex with me. A side from the bedroom we really do have pretty awesome communication but when I ask him why he won’t touch me or have sex with me he gets mad and won’t talk to me. I don’t think he’s cheating because he is usually on the phone with me, texting me or hanging out with his son .. he has never given me any reason to think there’s anyone else. What do I do ? Lol
Me: So when you say you’ve had sex 4 times, are you referring to the times you given him blow job’s? Or are the bj’s in between? Have you ever had penetrative sex?
Girl: He’s had thousands of blowjobs lol I mean that literally and I do enjoy doing it as well .. but as far as penetrative sex is only 4 times .. i also want to add that he had been in prison for 7 years and had only been out about 4 or 5 months before we got together
Me: Okay. I got ya.Looking back, are there any commonalities between the times you two did engage in intercourse?
Girl: I’m not quite sure what you meanI mean he very much likes role play and he wants me to dirty talk but I get nervous and just don’t talk at all lol
Me: Like, anything specific that motivated it? Or, say, if it happened in the middle of the night all 4 times? Or were they all pretty randomDid he initiate or did you initiate?
Girl: They were random honestly. A little of both reallyI mean he’s amazing at turning me on and then nothing .. not so much as even attempting to please me
Me: Tell me a little bit more about that. Haha don’t mean to be creepy but…. what does he do to turn you on, and then what happens between then and him ending the situation?
Girl: Well he has an obsession with my ass .. i do not have a small one by any means lol so I will get into some cut off booty shorts and a sexy shirt and he’s instantly turned on .. well he will kiss all over my neck and rub up against my ass with him rock hard and talk dirty in my ear and play with my boobs which I have my nipples pierced so it really excites me and then ill play with his dick and start sucking and then he blows and he’s doneAnd unfortunately that is usually how it goes..
Me: Okay. And what happens if you don’t give him a bj?(I mean, if its any consolation you must give a great blow job! lol)
Girls: I’ve never not. Lmao yeah I’ve been told by past partners that as well .. i mean he asks me if I went to school for it or something lmao
Me: I know for me, once my bf goes down and me, if he gets me off, I’m done. Lol
Girl: Lmao right .. well I can’t even get him to touch my pussy let alone eat it .. sorry for being so blunt
Me: So whats the difference between those times and the times you go through with full on intercourse?
Girl: I am honestly not sure
Me: Its okay lol I’m used to this kind of languageWell, does it also start with a blow job?
Girl: I sometimes wonder if he’s scared of his performance or how long he doesn’t last lol and yes it always does because I honestly love giving him blowjobs
Me: Okay, so the times it leads to sex, you give him a blow job, but don’t finish him off, then you guys have sex? Ish?I’m just trying to get a fuller understanding to see if I can spot something that might help
Girl: Yeah but he was the one that stopped me to have sex
Me: Ohhhh okay. So basically you just want him to stop you more often and initiate sex
Girl: That or atleast try to please me in another way .. i just don’t understand why he’s scared to even touch me .. oh also when we have had sex it was doggy each time
Me:
So first, I just want to mention that 6 months does seem like a long time, but its actually not too long. Sex in long term relationships will continue to develop and get better over time as you become closer and more comfortable…. IF you do take little steps along the way… So consider this a little step. I don’t think you’re gonna have him suddenly eating your pussy on a regular basis, but i do think you can increase the amount of PV intercourse by doing just a couple of things differently. First is, stop giving him a blowjob before he comes lol. Don’t rely on him to do it, because honestly, its probably too damn tempting and easy for him to sit back, relax and come. So don’t let him get quite to that point before stopping. Second thing I would try. I know you mentioned you aren’t super comfortable with talking dirty.. there are some things that if you weren’t comfortable with, I would say “forget about it” but talking dirty is an Amazingly easy tool you can use to get what you want…
The good thing is, you don’t even have to be creative with it. You can practically copy what he says, because you already know what he’s saying turns him on. So, if he says (for example) “I want my big dick in your mouth” then you can reciprocate by saying “I want to put your big dick in my mouth” but HERES THE TWIST … then you say, “then I want to feel your big dick inside of me. (Hint hint lol)
It’ll make it easy, when you stop sucking his dick, to say something like “now fuck me with your big dick” or whateverAnd again. Thats just the start to attempt to normalize pv intercourse (pv: penis and vagina) lol
Girl: Ok that makes since .. i mean I can talk dirty to him by text or if we are talking on the phone I can tell him I cant wait to get there and suck his big dick .. but when I’m right there in front of him I just freeze like a deer in headlight lmao
Me: It does take practice lol say it out loud when you’re alone first. Haha it’ll be stupid but could help.And again, you don’t have to get too creative. Just basically mirroring what he’s saying is fine.
Girl: There’s been times I was about to try and then he would tell me what he wants to hear and I then stop and get even more nervous
Me: Then, I would say during times where you do finish him off with a blow job, ask him if he minds if you get yourself off in front of him, then after he finishes, Take care of yourself in front of him and see what happens.Yeah its all about practice girl. I have faith you can talk dirty. HahaThere are actually some articles online if you look up “how to talk dirty” but honestly, I think you got it without
Girl: Lmao maybe thats what it will take to get him to want me .. idk its just weird I guess lol
Me: Honestly to me, it sounds like he wants you.
Girl: Thank you so much for the help .. atleast I didn’t hear you say to get away from him cause he is prolly gay or something.. thats very much reassured me
Me: Some guys love eating pussy and others not so much. But it does sound like you’re putting him in a position where he gets to make the easy (albeit) selfish choiceSo try and quiet your narrative that he doesn’t want you because that’s probably adding negativity where it doesn’t need to be necessarily.
Girl: Lol I told he was selfish in the bedroom the other day and it made him mad but I was already mad myself
Me: Lol I mean what guy in his right mind wouldn’t want to nut with his dick in your mouth then curl up and pass out lol 
Anyway I’m glad I could help! Let me know how it goes haha if it works
Girl: I had a very terrible marriage that was mentally physically emotionally abusive and he cheated on me all the time so unfortunately I have been bringing those fears and insecurities into this relationship and I kinda think maybe that’s been putting him off as well which I’m really trying to work on
Me: Sorry I didn’t see this. I think its really great that you’re emotionally mature enough to realize that you’re projecting fears from your past relationship onto your new one. A lot of times our insecurities are indeed stories from our past coming back to haunt us, rather than us reacting to the situation at hand.
Girl: Well thank you.. i truly appreciate your help .. its honestly helped me so much!
