Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
As someone who writes about sex, you would think I’d have a pretty easy time talking about my sexual needs and desires with a partner. And I do, sometimes. Probably more than most people, anyway.
But sometimes, I feel that if I were to actually say everything I need, or feel, or want, my sexual encounters would be an endless series of me bossing my partner around in bed as I educate them on the subtle nuances (or, the extremely annoyingly complex steps) to preparing me and my body for sex.
“Yes, I am wet, but my mind isn’t there yet.”
“I like what you are doing, but if you shift an inch to the left, I hate it.”
“Move your fingers in this direction, not that direction.”
“You sped up too fast.”
“You slowed down too slowly.”
You get it.
All these thoughts are laced with the fear that I actually don’t know what I want during sex, and even if I talk my partner through it step by step, it still might not lead to the satisfying accomplishment of an orgasm. (Not that sex needs to end in orgasm, or that orgasm should be the goal every time.)
I also fear that if I say these things out loud, my partner will think they can’t satisfy me.
On the flip side, not being able to talk extensively about sex can have devastating consequences.
For women especially, sex can be uncomfortable and leave us feeling like we’re doomed to either make our partner feel like they can’t experience pleasure because if they do they will hurt us, or worse, make us feel like we just have to deal with sex being uncomfortable sometimes.
The ability to talk openly and honestly and, yeah I’ll say it: comfortably about sex can help bring us closer to our partners and lead to more pleasurable and fulfilling sex life.
The fact that it’s so damn difficult to talk about sex? Well, it isn’t anybody’s fault. After all, not everybody had “The Talk” when they were kids, and those who did probably faced some super awkward moments with the folks… and the folks probably did not cover topics like consent being an enthusiastic “yes,” the nuances of sexuality, pleasure, etc. Between that and the limited sexual education available in this country and worldwide, broadening our understanding or allowing us to address the subject more comfortably is difficult.
These days, it seems like the rise of sex-positive educators, podcasters, therapists, influencers, etc., are doing a lot of the legwork, and while that’s amazing for people (like me) who seek out the facts, that doesn’t guarantee that the eye-opening info is reaching most people. And even those who it does reach (like me) understanding it intellectually is very different than putting it into practice.
So how do we? Put talking about sex it into practice?
It’s our own responsibility. We are our own educators, and to be honest, it can be exhausting. Having to figure things out as you go can make you feel angry towards you partner, confused sexually and scared that you or your relationship are flawed.
Well, my friends, we have to work with what we got… and we got ourselves. If we don’t speak up and advocate for ourselves, who will? Knowledge is power.
Here is some of what I learned about talking about sex with your partner. Sometimes, I learned it the hard way, but sometimes, the fun way!
- Be proactive. In the same way that you shouldn’t expect your partner to automatically know what you want, you shouldn’t expect to know what your partner wants. Getting ahead of the game and asking about your partner’s likes and dislikes before bringing the physical into it can help prevent un-pleasurable moments.
Don’t wait to figure out the differences after the fact. Don’t just wait to see if you happen to get it right. Ask them ahead of time. Over dinner. Why not?
No two people like to be touched the exact same way, or get turned on by the same exact things. Try not to assume you know how to please your partner based on past relationships.
While I’m talking about both sexes, and everything in between (literally) I want to emphasize this point to straight men.
Not to say this is true of all (straight) dudes, but stereotypically men aren’t as accustomed to discussing their feelings, and talking about sex is like discussing feelings on crack. Still, it needs to be addressed because the truth is men are more likely to cause discomfort to their (female) partner by not knowing what she wants, than woman are to cause discomfort to their male counterparts. The truth truth is that men are also generally more accustomed to being allowed to speak up and take what they want. The truth truth truth is that women generally have to undo a lot of societal bs (plus, could possibly be putting themselves at risk) in order to speak up and take what they want.
It’s a shared responsibility to do better, no matter what your gender identity, or what kind of sex you’re into… but men, if you’re wondering how you can play your part in upping your lady’s pleasure, simply asking them and talking about it is a great start.
Thank you in advance.
- Be patient. Learning your body takes time. Learning someone else’s body takes time. Learning how best to communicate with your partner takes time.
But also…
The #MeToo movement has brought the focus towards feminism, exposing the patriarchy, and unfortunately, the tremendous amount of pain that women have endured in regards to sexual situations.
This can make talking about issues, like consent, arousal, desire and pleasure extremely sensitive. Be mindful of this.
It goes both ways. As long as everyone is trying his or her best, talking about sex should be helpful and respectful. It should never feel like a blame game.
Change takes time, and as Obama and lots of people/cheesy advertisements said, it starts with You.
- Be open. You might feel one way about something, but your partner could be viewing the same situation very differently. If sexual behavior (or lack of) from your partner confuses you, don’t shut down assuming it’s something you did.
There are so many emotional and physiological reasons behind someone’s actions. While it’s natural to turn inward and ask yourself, “what did I do (or am I doing) wrong?” it’s likely more to do with something going on with your partner than it is with your flaws.
- Keep it sexy. This isn’t a necessity, of course, but one of the lighter aspects of talking about sex with your partner is it can be, well, sexy.
Sure, a lot of the conversation might be centered on what you DON’T like, but following up with a few details about what your partner can do instead might lead to a heightened state of arousal.
What turns you on? What turns them on? What do you fantasize about? What kind of porn do you watch?
The sensitive nature of these topics can be quite stimulating, and you and your partner can learn more about each other, and have fun at the same time.
Learning WHILE having fun!
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What do you wish you could tell your partner more easily about sex?
