Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

I find myself scrolling through Facebook, tempted to update my status to something like, “HELP ME I’M DYING!!!!!!!!” because… ya know… Caronavirus… and today has been hard even though I got a cat.

I got a cat. I’m fostering a cat. She is black and her name is Missy and she is kinda in love with me and hops on my lap with her two front paws and circles around me and weaves in and out of my legs and I kinda love her, too. She has not used her litter box yet, though, and for that I am afraid.

**Update: Cat tries to sleep on my head. Have not slept in days.**

I am extremely lucky and also unraveling. I have been in social isolation for far longer than the virus has demanded. It’s been just over a year since I’ve moved back to Jupiter and in with my parents, and the impermanence of my situation causes me to feel a sense of disconnection between (very few) local friends and me.

The upside of my previous social isolation was the spike in my workload. I had two consistent freelance writing gigs, a job at a workout studio and a job at a wine bar. In addition to that, my latest therapist, who is unconcerned with how I “feel” about certain things, basically told me to suck it up and schedule every second of every day, which is quite foreign to my nature. But, I gave it a whirl because she scares me and lo and behold, it worked! For the first time in, like, ever, I felt capable of maintaining a fulfilling, disciplined schedule that enhanced my productivity. Go overly-coddled-by-former-therapists me!

Creating and sticking to a schedule meant that in addition to my work obligations, I was also able to finish a draft of my pilot, finish an essay to submit to publications, launch my entertainment website (http://www.shira-weitz.com) answer relationship questions on Quora, brainstorm and experiment recording a podcast, and last but certainly not least, apply for one big job.

That’s right. Things were lookin up for lil’ old millennial over here. I finally felt like I was gaining momentum. A not-too-distant future was starting to take shape, especially when a job I applied for actually responded to me (was not excepting that) and eventually asked me to interview!

The interview, which was meant to be last Thursday, (of course) postponed when the recruiter stayed home, sick. I was told to look out for a new interview time, but (of course) have not been updated since.

I understand.

I’m far from unique in this situation. In fact, I’m quite lucky. I don’t have rent to worry about. I don’t have a family to support financially. It’s not like I lost a job I had previously been supporting myself with. I don’t have to worry about getting annoyed with a partner or getting pregnant. I’m quite lucky I have… nothing.  

Except a cat. That I’m fostering.

Meow.

Knowing how incredibly lucky I actually am… I still really just want to bitch about all the things I’m angry and sad about right now, and since I have yet to figure out an overarching “theme” or “formula” for my blog posts (which I will presumably use this time to do) I’m just going to fucking say things like:

It feels like my life is over before it even started.

I came home over a year ago to spend more time with my parents… and some real quality time is what I’m getting!

Spending time with my sweet, smart, kind, wise, loving parents can sometimes feel like… I’m staring down the barrel of a gun… through no fault of theirs… of course.

For all the things I love about them, I have my own path to forge, and being in isolation with them often makes me feel like I am slowly becoming them.

Will my habitual short temper and defensive conversational style when I talk to them be indicative of how I will communicate with future partners? Will the appeal of lying in bed one day overwhelm the desire to get out into the world? Will console from my partner be more logistical than emotional and physical?

Don’t get me wrong; my parents have loving and fulfilling lives from what I can tell. But… you know… I have some time to fill.

What’s it like to hang out with people who are not your family again? What’s it like to hang out with a friend? What’s it like to have a lover? Tell me, because I don’t remember.

I’m just over here definitely not getting pregnant during this pandemic.

PAUSE FOR PANIC.

In moments when I’m truly alone, like in my car… or moments, like, when I’m stoned and I see a small plane rocking a red, white and blue light fly over head… or when I accidentally watch Okja because it said it was a story about a girl who befriends a giant pig, but it’s actually really disturbing and heart wrenching…

And I think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON, and this one, absolutely fucking terrifying thoughts creeps into my head: I am powerless. However our government, our president, whoever the fuck, handles this situation… whatever the repercussions are or whatever our collective future looks like is ultimately out of my control. The leaders that I wanted and voted for were those who wanted to and had plans to rebuild our community from the ground up. But they didn’t get the nomination. People clung to normalcy and safety. Well, there’s no normal anymore, suckers!

And was “normal” so great that we should want to return to it, anyway?

So. What DO I have control over? Myself, my art, my discipline, my meditation, and I could think of a lot more but the thing is, I will still panic because an object in motion stays in motion, but I am no longer in motion and so therefor it is 10X more difficult to do anything, even the things that make me feel goddamn good. But I am trying. I am trying.

Moments of peace happen, too, albeit few and far between. The chaos is eye opening. The calm of the earth is eye opening, too. I need to do better. We need to do better.

If there’s one good thing I hope comes out of this it’s the ability to live more conscientiously as individuals and as a culture.

I realize that sometimes the ideas we have about our future must change; our world changes. So now, I have to reestablish my world and what’s important in it.

So right here, right now, I forge forward and create my own path. Mostly because there’s nothing else to do. Because, you know, Corona…