Sexy Times- Totally Not Depressing…

Last week, I answered a question on Quora about jealousy:

“Can a person overcome their jealousy issues?”

I thought this a simple question, really. Who would think it impossible to overcome any issue, really, especially jealousy?

Admittedly, I may have skipped over the years of my life when jealousy has… erm… ruined them. Ha. I kid. But really, when I look back with a focus on jealousy, the extent in which it has indeed impacted my life in negative ways is astounding. Not just in relationships, but in professional endeavors as well.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though. The more I think about it, the more I see a connection between jealousy and insecurity; the more I realize how blurred the lines are between a healthy (or normal) amount of jealousy versus a crippling amount of jealousy; the more I wonder if it is possible to relieve myself from the burden of heightened jealousy.

To help answer these questions, I reached out to Moushumi Ghose, Los Angeles sex therapist and author of the book, “Love Is Not A Pie.”

To start, Mo mentions that to her, jealousy is like an “internal clock or roadmap.”

She elaborates:

“When we experience jealousy it’s a clear indicator of something that is very significant to us…”

Already, the idea of jealousy begins to take a different shape in my mind. Knowing that jealousy only comes around when we hold something very dear, it seems less like of an evil monster waiting inside of us to become unleashed and more like a little puppy that wants snuggles, but will shit all over the place if you don’t tend to its needs.

She goes on.

“(Jealousy indicates) something that is a sensitive subject for us, something that we hold stories about, and something that we feel truly insecure about. Jealousy is like the window into our most tender spots, which often can turn dark, if left unchecked.”

When I feel an overwhelming amount of jealousy, there are a few common factors. First, it’s surrounding a deep love and desire for a person, or thing. The second is feeling like that person or thing is being threatened, or taken away from me. The third is that my own insecurities, and my own personal narrative is why I felt threatened- NOT the thing I am jealous of.

I particularly love what Mo says about the stories we tell ourselves. Whether it’s letting past experiences dictate how we feel in the moment, or the narratives we tell ourselves about our shortcomings, identifying them as “stories” rather than “reality” can be extremely beneficial for keeping them in check.

Of course, identifying these stories isn’t like, super fun. But, as Mo says, “It’s important to pay attention to how certain actions make you feel and do a little bit of self work and processing to understand why these behaviors make you feel the way they do.  In most cases jealousy is something that we bring to the table because of… past relationship trauma, past friendship trauma, past family trauma.”

As difficult as it is, “It can be helpful to find out what aspects of the relationship remind you of something from your past.”

What about ‘gas lighting?’ The reaction of jealousy could be a response meant to protect or warn us from a partner who is unfaithful or manipulative… or at least it can feel that way in the moment.

This takes us back to the internal clock, which Mo says, “needs to be tuned, needs to be listened to, and tells us a lot of very important things about ourselves.”

She says, “We might be in the wrong relationship. Maybe the relationship isn’t supporting us in the ways that we need. Sometimes insecurity arises because our partner is insensitive to our needs. They may be callous and critical, or they may be secretive and dismissive. Even… and especially if you have spoken up about it, if nothing seems to be changing then it might be time to make a decision.”

On the other hand, “We might be focusing on the wrong aspect of the relationship. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault. We do have to take some responsibility for our emotions. Too often people ask other people to change to eradicate their own jealousy”

Eh hem. #GuiltyAsCharged. Yeah, I’ll say it. I’ve totally expected other people to change their behavior and even friends, to cater to my jealousy issues. Funny how it never made my jealousy issues magically disappear.

“It is important to first of all take ownership of your jealousy. The jealousy is all yours.”

Fine, Mo. GAWD.

In addition to Mo’s expertise, I also had the pleasure of hearing from some of YOU last week about your thoughts on jealousy, thus continuing the expansion of my mind.

;;mind blown emoji;;

One person, we’ll call him Chris, told me that is his “lack (of jealousy) has actually caused issues in relationship(s).”

I can understand that, especially after what Mo said about jealousy meaning that you hold something dear. If my partner was never jealous, could it mean that he or she either doesn’t care enough, or is so confident that he or she feels like they’ll never have to work to keep me?

If that’s the case, maybe there is such a thing as a healthy amount of jealousy, but how to differentiate?

“When we experience jealousy (it) almost always leads to higher arouse states of emotion. Our palms are sweaty, our heart races fast, our vision gets blurry and we cannot think straight.” Mo says.

Okay, I guess someone doesn’t need to get blurry vision in order to show that they care. I asked Chris how the jealousy issues (or lack thereof) manifested in his relationship(s).

“Tantrum and anger, those behaviors that beg attention… and when it came down to it, it was that I wasn’t controlling of who they would dance with, hug, etc. and sort of exposed that my SO does not like me dancing or having even platonic, more intimate contact with others.”

To me, the behaviors he was describing from his partner were normal. I hated when my ex partners had female friends. I hated feeling like they were getting something out of (even) a platonic relationship that I couldn’t give. I always chalked it up to my partner secretly wishing they could have sex with that other person, whether they would actually do it or not was beside the point.

Now, learning about jealousy, and particularly how it pertains to non-monogamous relationships, I realize that not only doesn’t it mean that they want to sleep with that person, but even if it does mean that, it still isn’t necessarily a threat to my relationship. It doesn’t mean that my partner loves me any less, or wants to fuck me any less.

When I admitted to Chris that I (unfortunately) understood the unpleasant feelings of his partner, he responded:

“…it is understandable, but I try to be very open and remember there are many kinds of love, not just romantic and sexual. And sometimes it is important to remind myself that what I am feeling and what others feel for me are more complex.”

I asked him if he thought his feelings about love were more conducive to have a non-monogamous relationship.

“Well, my feelings towards romantic and sexual love do fit better with ethical non-monogamy… ”

I began to feel like the only people who were able to manage their jealousy were those who leaned towards non-monogamy. Is it true that people in monogamous relationships are doomed to feel irrational jealousy for all time?

Then, an old friend who asked to be called “Extremely handsome and cute guy,” (it’s fitting) reached out.

“I actually don’t think I get jealous.”

I was already jealous of his ability to not get jealous. Go figure.

“Betrayal of trust hurts much worth.”

Didn’t jealousy stem from fear of betrayal? Or fear of our own inadequacy?

He said, “I don’t have issues with feeling inadequate. If someone I’m with wants to… give attention to someone out in public, doesn’t bother me as long as I’m receiving an equal amount of attention. I’m confident in the fact that I’m me and I don’t have to compete with past relationships, or outside sources, as long as I’m fully confident you’ll be coming home with me. I actually kind of revel in it.”

So for Extremely Handsome and Cute Guy, minor flirtations with other people actually helped boost his confidence, because in the end, he was the one chosen by his partner above those other people, who could also be seen as desirable.

“But if I have to fight for your attention, then you’re harming my trust and that hurts.”

I asked him how you could show your partner they can trust you.

“Being open and forward about thoughts and information.”

Ohhhhh hoooo oooOOooo. You know I like that!!!

“Like I said, I need to have equal or more attention to feel at ease. If you saw someone who is cute and you wanna tell me, then do it. But also tell me that I’m the one you genuinely desire. Do that, and I relax into a comfortable state.”

He continues:

“Putting consistent reassurance effort does wonders. ‘I want you. I need you.’ Things like that continue to run through my head if there’s ever a situation that becomes uncomfortable, and it usually helps subside any negative feelings. This is what I try to provide my partner with as well. ‘I want you to know how much I need you and that you are always at the forefront of my thoughts. Any harmless flirting I engage in is nothing but a momentary pleasure and shouldn’t make you feel inadequate because YOU are everything I want and need.’”

I have to admit how relieving his words were. They sounded beautiful but I had to proceed with caution.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of years listening to people struggle with putting those expectations of being “everything I want and need” on their partners. Sometimes, someone was let down by their partner because it turned out, their partner couldn’t possibly be everything they needed. Sometimes, it was someone feeling inadequate because they couldn’t possibly be everything their partner needed.

Trying to grasp the concept that you would never be “everything” your partner wanted and needed was difficult, because it was a stark contrast to what I grew up believing, and wanted to believe, and was told about love and relationships.

But here was Extremely Handsome and Cute Guy, pretty much saying the opposite.

“Listen, when I’m with someone I know there’s always going to be someone who’s probably more attractive, or has a quality that catches (their) eye, but if you convinced me that I have a quality that nobody else has and that is what you want most, I’ve got no reason to be jealous.”

His words reminded me that, despite everything, we get to choose the type of relationship we want. You can still have the mindset that your partner is what you want and need the most, and maybe your other wants and needs (that your partner can’t provide) can be put on the backburner, fall by the wayside, or be satisfied to some degree in a neutral way.

But can they really? Is it possible to be “enough?”  

I see so many individuals seeking help, comfort and advice about jealousy and insecurity. So. Many. People. Terrified to experience betrayal or infidelity, and at even the slightest show of interest or attraction in someone or something else the immediate response is to tighten their grip on their partner by snooping on their phones, or forbidding contact with certain people, or walking out the door, etc.

I fucking understand those people. I 100% feel for them, but as triggering as these circumstances can feel, they’re much more nuanced and the answer is rarely-to-never “run” or “possess.”

It can hurt to feel like your partner’s attracted or interested in other people, even if it’s innocent, but looking inside, instead of to your partner, to slow your heart rate back down and see things clearly again is crucial. If you don’t, no amount of work that your partner does is going to make you feel any less jealous because the root of your issues is still ruling over you.

Where to start? Mo says:

“I often recommend to clients to focus on their achievements, stop comparing themselves to other people, getting off of social media where there’s constant barrage of other people’s accomplishments and beauty and all of these things that we feel we need to compare ourselves to that really don’t support us in our own growth… focusing on where we are good and our positive skills is one really great way to break the cycle of jealousy… journaling, doing work around past trauma, getting really clear with your relationship goals and desires and plans and regularly check and see what you need, what is missing and what would make this situation feel better”

A lot of the work is uncovering the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, or the stories that others (including society, and Disney) tell us about relationships.

Ultimately, if we don’t love ourselves wholly, then it’ll be a lot more difficult (and maybe even impossible) to believe that someone else does. If we hold the belief that we’re meant to be everything for our partners, and simultaneously believe that we aren’t enough, then we’ll continue to view others as threats for having what we lack, and we’ll feel inferior to them.

I asked Mo if she thinks we can get rid of jealousy once and for all.

“I don’t believe that we can eradicate jealousy completely unless we lived in a bubble. It’s certainly an uncomfortable feeling, but just like fear, sadness, anxiety, etc, uncomfortable feelings are universal. Jealousy doesn’t have to go away, for you to disarm the power it yields.”

And that, my friends, is up to us.