The Insane Insanity of Success When You’re Insecure/I’m Having A Meltdown SOS!!!
Things are typically going pretty well for me.
Since being home I’ve purchased my one-way ticket to Italy. I’ve been applying- and actually getting opportunities- for freelance writing jobs (partly, thanks to writing samples from this very blog.) I’ve been hired for my first gig on Upwork. I’ve been commissioned to write an article for a couple’s therapy office. I’ve signed up for a UCLA extension class on writing a half-hour pilot and have been using it to develop my script about sex workers.
The successes are little so far, but they’re definitely taking me in the right direction!……….
Except holy hell, what am I doing? Am I capable of any of this? How much am I holding myself back? Why am I standing in my own way? I know I’m capable of succeeding at these things so why am I buckling under the pressure?!?!?! I’m going to have to take on so much more if I want to ever have real success!!!!!!
I was writing a treatment for the half hour pilot I shall call: “Cheeky Insider”, a comedy about a sex worker (that’s all I’ll say cuz ya gotta leave em’ wanting more). For me, as a writer and actor, it’s difficult to write about people who aren’t you. Charlie, the character I spent so long developing, was as close to ME as I could ever comfortably get. Now, I’m writing about a lovely, bubbly, successful sex-worker and I’m kicking myself because I just can’t RELATE to her and… I realize… the real issue is that I’m worried she is TOO COOL and confident for me to identify with her, because how am I supposed to identify with such a strong confident woman?!?!?!?!
So, ya know… I’m slowly but surely taking steps, possibly in the right direction. I’m completing the assignments, and yeah, once I realized that I was looking at myself so contemptuously and that was the issue that was holding me back, I was able to point to it, laugh at it, remember that I need to think more highly of myself and all that good stuff.
In theory.
But even so, I continue to create roadblocks for myself every step of the way and. It. Is. Exhausting.
I spent my day yesterday begrudgingly writing word after word, trying to whittle together a first draft of this article about paying for couple’s counseling (which should be totally easy for me since I am definitely pro couple’s counseling for so many reasons that I can’t name right now because my brain is broken.) And after every two sentences, I stop and blankly stare at and attempt to read back my words, and I wrack my brain to figure out what sentence might possibly come next, and I do this for ten minutes before getting up and pacing and eating goldfish and giving up for an hour, then coming back to it anddddddddd repeat.
And I’m trying to woo-saahhhhh. I’ve been meditating every day for 20 minutes for 7 days in a row now, so I’m not, like, just a failure… I’m a meditating failure! Which is better, but isn’t meditating supposed to solve my problems and shit?
And then, I look at my goals… Where I’m going to be financially, where I want to be financially to support myself while traveling… how many articles per week, per month am I realistically going to have to produce to meet that goal? Will the opportunities continue to be as unsteady as they have been, or will it get easier?
And, oh yeah, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO ACHIEVE ANY OF THIS CRAP IF I CONTINUE TO LOSE MY MIND WHEN GIVEN OPPORTUNITIES???!!!
And, even more importantly, WHY is this happening? If I could, reader, I would look you in the eye right now and tell you I am damn well beyond capable of composing an amazing article based on the criteria of my potential future boss. I can abso-fucking-lutely write a hilarious, heartfelt comedy script, especially with the guidance of a professional/instructor.
So why does this all seem so hard? What am I so afraid of? Is success really as threatening as this? Am I that desperate to remain in the safety net of failure? Or am I really just… incapable? Of success… of love… of happiness?
Well, I will tell you one thing that came reeallllyyyy easy to me this week. This blog post! Because, guess what! I can write whatever-the-fuck I want to!!!!!
I probably won’t use this as a sample article for future jobs, though.
Totally relate!
🙌🏻🙌🏻 even knowing that you know helps!
If you want more insight into the sex worker, go to Thailand. Its an industry there. And it’s not all “trafficking”, which I find deplorable. I just got back if you want more info.
Thanks! I was gonna hit up some Nevada gals actually, but since I’m going to Thailand soon anyway…..!!!!
I like this one, personal ones are my favorite.
Thank you kindly! Always nice to hear what resonates with people!!!
Everyday of my life. The only thing that helps is shutting off all the lights, lighting a candle, and forgetting that I’m a human that has any goals at all. Maybe the trick is to waver between remembering and temporarily forgetting goals so that they stay attainable without being daunting?? No idea, but the first part def. helps.
I love this idea and I shall try it immediately.